Monthly Archives: October 2014


Growing up, we are taught, “Honesty is the best policy.”

Ironically, as we grow older and garner more experiences, we realize that people lie. People lie all the time, and there isn’t a single person who is completely honest or truthful to anybody, not even him or herself. But why do we lie?

As a child, we may lie to get out of trouble. To avoid punishment, we may dishonestly accuse another person.
Spilled milk? Nooo my imaginary friend or younger sister did it!

Another possibility might be to reap rewards that we don’t deserve.
Did you clean you room?
Okay, you can have a cookie before dinner.

Even in our childhood innocence, lying is a natural thing for us to do. Is it a learned behavior or is it innate? Do we lie because we want to, or because we are simply incapable of being honest?

Then as we get older, we realize that the truth might not be the best thing to tell someone. It can come off as brutal or insensitive. And now we have to be conscious of how we express our opinions and feelings without hurting the other party. Sometimes we phrase our thoughts different, sometimes we stretch the truth, or tell a “white” lie.

No matter how small, or how good the intention, a lie is a lie. Period. You don’t get away with saying it was his or her own good. That’s his or her decision, you can’t make those choices and you can’t coddle someone from the harsh reality. If you’re not the one to be honest, someone else will be, and in the end the person who asked for honesty in the first place will feel betrayed.

Does this dress make me look fat?
No, it makes you look curvier.
Not to be rude, but the dress makes you look a little frumpy.

Then we become more cynical and jaded as life continues forward. We may not be lying because of malicious intent, but we start to lie to manipulate and get ahead in our careers, success, life. People always tell me to bolster my resume, to “sell myself” on cover letters. They tell me it’s okay, everyone does it and that employers know this too. But why would I want to get a job or acquire an interview on something that is not my actual merit? Why would I do that to myself, and to the person that hires me?

Moreover, there are people who play mind games to get what they want. They use their knowledge about you, what makes you tick and uses it against you. Those liars are the worst. Those are the ones that leave the scars behind from which you need to learn to heal. We’ve all dealt with one of those people, and if you haven’t, one day you will.

Liars are everywhere.

I admit that I’m a liar. I lie to people I care about, I lie to people I barely know, and I lie to myself all the time. I am dishonest as a way to keep myself safe, to set up a barrier to keep those who can hurt me out. I may not tell the truth to try not to hurt other people’s feelings, but lately I’ve been more honest and open. Sure, they may be mad at me now, and yeah they may leave, but don’t ask for my opinion if you can’t handle my response. I lie to myself to keep myself from falling into the depths of depression, and to build my self-esteem. It’s not as much lying as it is staying in denial (which I guess is a form of dishonesty).

I don’t like lying, it makes me feel rotten. It makes me angry at myself because I didn’t have the courage to express my true opinion. I’m working on honesty, and I wish others would too. I am sick of people lying to my face, and then turn their backs and do something contradicting their words. If you don’t want to be my friend, just say so. I won’t force you to stay. Don’t say that you’ll be there for me when I need you and be MIA when the time comes. Don’t tell me you care about me, when you don’t even bother texting or calling to check up on me. Don’t tell me you miss me and not make the effort to see me.

I just want honest people in my life. Open communication, honesty, trust, and respect. They all go hand in hand, and I don’t want anything less. I deserve at least as much as I give. And if I’m willing to give that much to you, then I expect the same in return.

Those are my honest thoughts.




“I act like shit don’t phase me, inside it drives me crazy; my insecurities could eat me alive.” – Eminem (“Hailie’s Song”)

For the longest time these lyrics resonated with me. Ever since the first time I heard this song, I identified with Eminem’s words. I am insecure about lot of things: my looks, my intelligence, my relationships, etc. All these things have taken a toll on my sense of self-worth and self-esteem; hence, the battles with constant depression.

But this post isn’t about depression, it’s about a new relationship that I am in. I am still in disbelief that someone could want to be with me. I am filled with doubt and fear, and eventually it’s going to bite me in the ass because he’s going to start thinking that I don’t trust him. That would be an absolute lie, because I do trust him. I may trust him more than I’ve trusted anyone else in my life, and that’s saying a lot. I’ve only known him about two months, and he already broke through the walls I built and made himself a little niche on the inside.

Before I continue on a tangent, I want to point out that within these two months I’ve kept trying to end whatever we have. He didn’t try to persuade me to stay, but he let the decision stay mine. I actually asked whether or not he wanted it to end. His reply was so simple and heart rendering: “If I wanted this to be over, I would end it.”

How? How could someone still want to be with me? How can someone who can clearly see my insecurities still want me? How could someone want me in general?

See, my insecurities extend far beyond the surface. When I say looks, I don’t mean oh, I’m fat or whatever. Nope. That may be an issue, but it’s never been my issue. By that I mean, people would always make fun of my weight, and it bothered me, but not to the extent to make me extremely insecure about it. However, I am insecure about my stretchmarks, my thighs and my body shape. The only time I get insecure about my weight is when I can’t fit into my clothes or the size that I think I am when I go shopping.

Next, I have this issue with being “loved”. I put it in quotes because I don’t think my current relationship has reached that point yet. Anyway, I am only able to see the flaws in myself so I can’t imagine anyone seeing anything else. How can someone love a person who hates herself? Who constantly criticizes herself? How can someone even want someone who is so broken and cynical? I have no idea.

You know, in one of our conversations, he called me a Picasso. I was so thrown off, I told him that’s almost insulting. He told me, “Everyone sees the mess, I see the beauty in it.”

I told my friends from the beginning that he reminded me of myself. The same ability to read people and see beyond the surface. I keep forgetting about that, especially because I’ve never met someone with the same uncanny ability. So for him to say that, shocked me, it actually brought me to tears. The good kind, of course.

So if he can see the good in me, like I can see the good in others… I should be able to accept that he has affection for me right? I should be able to accept that this whole relationship isn’t unrequited or one-sided because he’s proven time and time again that it isn’t.

My new insecurity is that he’s going to get so sick of dealing with this part of me, the one that’s constantly unsure and doubtful. There’s a limit to how much a person can take, and when it reaches that limit, he’s going to leave me. And I won’t have anyone to blame but myself…