Insecure

“I act like shit don’t phase me, inside it drives me crazy; my insecurities could eat me alive.” – Eminem (“Hailie’s Song”)

For the longest time these lyrics resonated with me. Ever since the first time I heard this song, I identified with Eminem’s words. I am insecure about lot of things: my looks, my intelligence, my relationships, etc. All these things have taken a toll on my sense of self-worth and self-esteem; hence, the battles with constant depression.

But this post isn’t about depression, it’s about a new relationship that I am in. I am still in disbelief that someone could want to be with me. I am filled with doubt and fear, and eventually it’s going to bite me in the ass because he’s going to start thinking that I don’t trust him. That would be an absolute lie, because I do trust him. I may trust him more than I’ve trusted anyone else in my life, and that’s saying a lot. I’ve only known him about two months, and he already broke through the walls I built and made himself a little niche on the inside.

Before I continue on a tangent, I want to point out that within these two months I’ve kept trying to end whatever we have. He didn’t try to persuade me to stay, but he let the decision stay mine. I actually asked whether or not he wanted it to end. His reply was so simple and heart rendering: “If I wanted this to be over, I would end it.”

How? How could someone still want to be with me? How can someone who can clearly see my insecurities still want me? How could someone want me in general?

See, my insecurities extend far beyond the surface. When I say looks, I don’t mean oh, I’m fat or whatever. Nope. That may be an issue, but it’s never been my issue. By that I mean, people would always make fun of my weight, and it bothered me, but not to the extent to make me extremely insecure about it. However, I am insecure about my stretchmarks, my thighs and my body shape. The only time I get insecure about my weight is when I can’t fit into my clothes or the size that I think I am when I go shopping.

Next, I have this issue with being “loved”. I put it in quotes because I don’t think my current relationship has reached that point yet. Anyway, I am only able to see the flaws in myself so I can’t imagine anyone seeing anything else. How can someone love a person who hates herself? Who constantly criticizes herself? How can someone even want someone who is so broken and cynical? I have no idea.

You know, in one of our conversations, he called me a Picasso. I was so thrown off, I told him that’s almost insulting. He told me, “Everyone sees the mess, I see the beauty in it.”

I told my friends from the beginning that he reminded me of myself. The same ability to read people and see beyond the surface. I keep forgetting about that, especially because I’ve never met someone with the same uncanny ability. So for him to say that, shocked me, it actually brought me to tears. The good kind, of course.

So if he can see the good in me, like I can see the good in others… I should be able to accept that he has affection for me right? I should be able to accept that this whole relationship isn’t unrequited or one-sided because he’s proven time and time again that it isn’t.

My new insecurity is that he’s going to get so sick of dealing with this part of me, the one that’s constantly unsure and doubtful. There’s a limit to how much a person can take, and when it reaches that limit, he’s going to leave me. And I won’t have anyone to blame but myself…

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