It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blogpost. Even a longer time since I’ve had the desire to write one. But I’m trying to get back to my roots and writing is definitely the way to go, that’s what I’ve learned. After becoming more anxious over the recent years, I realized that the first thing to go was my writing. It used to be the only thing I had, and it became the thing I feared the most. Definitely something psychoanalytical about that… but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about empathy.
Empathy is the ability of an individual to picture a situation in someone else’s shoes, to feel how he or she feels. Most people are capable of empathy, and often times, they are able to separate self from other.
I am not one of those people who can do the separation thing. This is a problem.
I always found it interesting that I could be extroverted for long periods of time, and people would automatically call me an extrovert because of how social I am and how easily I agree to hang out and do things with them. Meanwhile, I felt like I was an introvert because I felt like I needed a lot of down time in comparison to other extroverts I know. Yet, the amount of “recovery time” was always significantly less than my introvert counterparts… so I declared myself an ambivert. What I finally realized is that I AM an extrovert, but I’m also too much of an empath.
What that means, to my understanding anyway, is that I take on others’ emotions as my own, and since I don’t know how to distinguish mine from others, I end up internalizing them. Thus, as a natural way for my mind and emotions to re-regulate, I have those moments of introversion. Basically, in stressful environments (schools, libraries, meetings, etc) I become stressed even when I’m not. When people tell me things that happen in their lives, happy/sad/anything in between, I feel how they do and it sticks with me. This becomes a major problem in my day-to-day functioning.
Because, hi, not only do I struggle with my OWN mood disorders, I now have added emotions to figure out that don’t even belong to me! And this is a roadblock to my dream career, because… how do you become a social worker or mental health professional when you can’t separate yourself? You can’t. It’s game over.
So what I’ve learned is that I need to get my shit together (for a lack of better phrase) and address this issue. So my goal in therapy now is not to figure out how to cope with my depression and anxiety, though still very important and a priority, it’s to distinguish what is mine and what isn’t mine. Moreover, I have to learn to be empathetic without losing myself to some empathic struggle.
This is a new chapter in my road to self-discovery… because really, how can I discover myself if I can’t figure out what I’m truly feeling?
If I get any useful tips, I’ll be sure to share them!