Tag Archives: best friend

Best Friend

My last post was about needing time to be alone. This one is the opposite it’s about friendship. I’m so complex.

I’ve given the label of “best friend” to several people in my life because at one point or other those people were my confidants. Sometimes I had multiple “best friends” at a time. That is, until one of them changed my view on the title. He told me that a person could only really have one best friend because that person is the best. The top among the rest, and the one you count on no matter what. The one that’s got you and you will undeniably be there for, too. So, it made me think and relabel those others as close friends. I only gave one person the title of “best friend” and he kept it for a long time. Then we parted ways, and I had no best friend.

I went a few years without considering any sole person as my best friend. There wasn’t only one person I relied on anymore, I’d grown to have a web of very close friends. There was not one person that outshine the rest because they all had different attributes that were invaluable to me. Then, I gave my current best friend the title because she did stand out from everyone else. She’s great, and she’s been with me through a lot, and I know she’ll be there for me for a long time coming. I confide in her, I enjoy her company, and she really is the best friend someone could have. She makes the effort and tries even when she doesn’t have the energy, and I appreciate that.

Except… she’s not really my best friend.

My best friend is still the one I gave the title to ten years ago, the one I deemed worth enough to designate as such. The same one that left me behind in a pursuit to live his own life, and I used to be so angry at that, but now I’m not. I understand that people change and in order to grow we have to go separate ways sometimes. He and I ended on really bad terms, but it doesn’t change that I will always consider him my best friend. Why? Why would I still consider someone who is no longer in my life my best friend?

Because of the impact he made in my life when he was. He was in my life during my most formative years of adolescence. He was there when I first had my debilitating episodes with depression and anxiety, and he was there to help me through them. He was the first person to put me first. He was the first person that I ever felt comfortable enough with to confide in and be vulnerable with. And that’s not something that’s replaceable. He will always be my best friend because I believe he was what’s best for me. The good times and the bad, the laughter and the pain, all of it. He helped me grow and learn about myself and others. He made me more compassionate and understanding of others because of how poorly I treated him. And as wonderful and amazing as my current “best friend” is, she can’t do all those things because they’ve been done.

I used to hate that I couldn’t replace him. That after all the conflict and craziness, I still miss him and think of him as the best friend I ever had. But, I’ve come to accept it. People aren’t expendable to me, and he’s unique. There will be others that remind me of him, but there’s only one of him in this world. And I know that if he ever came back into my life, I’d feel the same way about him as I did before. That he is someone I feel a deep comfort with and someone who I can be vulnerable toward. And that’s okay with me now. I don’t need a replacement. I just need to allow others the opportunity to be different types of friends, and maybe I’ll find one that usurps his throne.

I know that I will have many people enter and leave my life. Some will be acquaintances, some will be friends, some will be close friends, and they’ll all make an impact on my life. But like I said, the best friend is the one that is above the rest. And until I find someone that can outshine my former best friend, he’ll always be the best.




It’s Complicated

When my friends ask why I still hang out with my best friend, why I still try so hard to connect to him when he acts like such a jerk to me, I say it’s complicated. It’s really not complicated… not at all actually.

My best friend and I had a great friendship in the beginning, seven years ago. We shared common interests and liked spending time together, and just talking to one another. I learned to depend on him and to trust him. I opened up to him like I’d never thought I could open up to anyone. He didn’t reciprocate. Not saying that he didn’t at all, but he was not as invested as I was… And that’s where it kind of went downhill… when you’re in any relationship, friendship or otherwise, when the give and take is unequal, problems are bound to arise. And that’s exactly what happened.

I became too dependent, and he just wanted space. I respected that, I really did… except, I didn’t know how to let go or give him space. So our friendship quickly went from healthy and fun, to tumultuous in the blink of an eye. There is no isolated incident where this happened, and I’ve come to realize that it was neither of our faults. It was both our faults that we let it carry on so terribly, and it was our faults for staying in the destructive friendship–I couldn’t let go, and he didn’t have the heart to push me away.

It took me a long time to realize that we were growing separately as people, and maybe trying to keep our friendship alive was more detrimental than it was beneficial. Honestly, I’m not fully accepting of this concept yet, I’m taking my time slowly figuring it out. I know I’ve grown a lot, I’ve become much more independent and happier. I don’t really know how he’s doing, but I can guarantee that he’s doing better than when we kept trying to make our friendship work… trying to stay best friends.

I have no doubt that one day, I’m not sure when, we’ll meet up again and talk. We’ll realize how much we needed the time apart (which is fairly easy because he goes to school in California while I’m in New York), and be grateful that we may be able to come back together and form a different type of friendship. Whether it will be as strong or not, that’s up in the air… But I look forward to how it will turn out.

I am eternally grateful for my best friend. He’s helped me grow as a person. He helped me figure out a lot of things, that I may or may not have realized without him in my life. Overall, as dysfunctional as our friendship became, there are so many times that I don’t think I could have possibly moved forward without it my life.

So yeah, maybe the reason why I stick around is a little complicated, but no more so than why anyone sticks around for anything. I saw, and still see, the value of our friendship. However, I’ve reached to the point where I will stick around, but I won’t be sucked into trying to fix it anymore.